MOVING!

Boys and girls, please note that this website has moved to


www.chanpengli.com

King Thierry Henry of the Emirates

Bonjour commoners...

Today is the day I have decided to give back to my fans. Today, I, Thierry Henry will give you all the opportunity to live life in my eyes... Yes, your favourite football player, Thierry Henry the man, will do a blog for you all to appreciate all the obstacles I have in my life. Yes, there are obstacles too in King Thierry's life.

I wrote a letter today. 'Dear Arsene, I know it is hard for Arsenal. I know it is hard for you. I know it is hard for Freddie (but he left because he was greedy, not because David Dein left, not like I, the Arsenal legend, King Thierry who had different reasons). It is hard for Arsenal to exist anymore but I do give you my blessings to move on.' Yes, King Thierry is human too. He has feelings for people and the fans. I am not a robot. I think about other people and their feelings too! Unlike the stupid media. Brainless! Emotionless! Poor! Smelly! Ugh, they make King Thierry sick! Imbeciles!

It is sunny here today. It is sunny all the time. The Spanish 'senoritas' here are so much better than those English 'chunkies' back at the Emirates. That's the real reason why I had to 'va va voom' from my missus. I know she was devastated and crying and kept saying 'Monsier Thierry, why? You are the greatest... But I sent her on her way. She could not stop crying... But that is life, No?' Ah... it is great to be King Thierry.

The other day at training, this little Messi bastardo tried to steal my limelight! Imagine him eh? Trying to juggle the balls longer than me! Who does he think he is? Have you seen me juggle the ball? Mama mia! I am fantabulous! I am King Thierry! He is what do the spanish say... idiota! Luckily for him, Ronnie told me that he was a special kid. Of course King Thierry has feelings and compassion! That is why I bought him a baby bottle the next day and did not kick his face in! And yes, that Messi does look like a little retarded jungle boy with long hair no?

Then the other day, I was talking to the coach, Frankie Rijkaard and told him that I offer my services, King Thierry to be Barcelona captain. Puyol is not a captain! He is a fool in a bad rocker haircut, no? He is stupide! Frankie said something like 'Idiota bastardo!' I don't understand Spanish but I'm sure it means he would think about it.

Anyway, it is time for King Thierry to sign off. Some senoritas are awaiting their 'tres siesta' and I, King Thierry will want to fulfill their fantasies. Ahh... its good to be King Thierry!

I'm not a plastic bag... An autobiography

I'm not a plastic bag. So I could be a paper bag, a jute bag... or in Anya Hindmarch's case, a cotton bag.

I was born in some smelly place in China. I had a traumatizing childhood because even as a newborn, there were plenty of women constantly touching me and sewing things on me, breathing on me... And it was hot.. sooooo hot! And the workplace was small... sooooo small! The people there have a common phrase used... 'Hou !@n yeet ah!'. I think that must have been an expression to describe the poor working conditions there. But what do I know... I'm only a bag which is not a plastic bag...

I made friends... they were like me. We used to spend our time playing 'what's in my bag?' and 'what am I made of?' Look, we're bags ok, not geniuses like you... We had simple pleasures in life but it was always good fun. Especially laughing at Lut. Lut was a defect because he had larger seams and looked wider than usual... He was not a skinny plastic bag... Ha ha... We used to joke about him and his seamstress, Ah Fei.

Anyway, the time came when we had to part. I overheard that we were coloured to match the region of the world we were going to... Grey to Asia, blue to the US, green to Japan... and I was... (drum roll...) Grey! Damnit! I always had a thing for Japanese chicks... Damnit! I also couldn't be part of my favorite tv show, Baywatch! Two fantasies down the drain!

So there I was, packed up with some of the others I grew up with... Poor Lut was left behind... The last I saw of Lut, he was being caressed lovingly by Ah Fei... Sigh, a match made in heaven I suppose... as for me, I was petrified. Going into the new world... What would happen to me? Who would own me? Would they love me?

Travelling with the people from the same factory was not fun. And it was so cramped! I could hardly breathe! And the worse thing was that I was squished together with Joelando, the factory man-whore! I just hated it every time he breathed down my neck and said 'Who's your baggy? WHO'S YOUR BAGGY!' Ugh...

Somehow, I managed to pull through and one fine day, daylight! Nice surroundings… and the air felt so cool and refreshing… This place, I like! And the women who were touching me had such soft hands… This woman, I like! And they kept exclaiming… 'Wah, so nice! So firm! So style wor!' And at that point, I made the most important discovery in my life... I’m a STUD!

I am an Anya bag. I am handsome, stylish and women would go berserk at the sight of me! Who the bag? Who the bag?

But when I looked out the window, there was this crazy amount of people looking through the window… probably wanting to catch a glimpse of me. I mean, I knew I was good looking but this sort of crowd? It’s amazing? Who would have thought? Me, a simple 'I’m not a plastic bag' bag, from a small town in China, having this much of attention! From people who seem to be intelligent and cultured and the supposed representation of civilization and mankind! OMG! Would my new owner be one of those crazed mob?

Patiently waiting, finally, the moment of truth arrived. Countless bodied pushed throught the gates, kicking and screaming to get their hands on my buddies and I. Then suddenly, like a giant Godzilla stomping down houses, a big, noisy, sweaty lady shoved her way to the head of the queue! She made Ah Fei look like an ambassador for the Osim U-Zap! Instinctively, I grabbed Joelando and threw him with all my might into her flabby, shaking arms... I can still see the terror and fear in his eyes in slow motion as she gripped and held him tightly for dear life, never to let go! 'Who your baggy now B!@tch!'

In that frenzy, I was swept up and when I looked up, the most beautiful set of eyes gazed down upon me. It was love at first sight.

Today, I have learned to control myself. In the early days, when my hottie owner took me out, I'd more often than not be rubbed against her hot well toned body. Which unfortunately led to some wet stains which she discovered in dismay... Nevertheless, she still loved me unconditionally... Ah.. a match made in heaven...

I have found out that bags like us were made for the purpose of shopping for groceries and to reduce the use of plastic bags. I laugh at the plastic bags because you can see right throught them! Ha ha! No privacy at all! But on a serious note, my owner never used me for groceries. And she always used plastic bags. Which means my aim in life would not be fulfilled and I did not serve my purpose.

In despair, I tried to strangle myself using my handles but it was no use. I am doomed for all eternity to be a multi-functional bag, except for grocery shopping... Even now when she takes me to the gym and puts her underwear in me... I feel nothing. Sigh, such is the sad state of my life. If you do see me on the street, please do tell my owner that I'm to be used for grocery shopping and to help in the reduction of the use of plastic bags. Maybe then, will I be able to make a difference.

(P.S. Don't like the story? I'm a bag! What the hell kind of story do you expect from a bag?)

Transformers! It's Finally Here!

So I read this review in 'The Star' about Transformers, how it lacked plot, not according to the original storyline, yada yada yada. Ok look, there will be no spoilers here (so I won't ruin it for those who haven't seen it yet, but WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING READING THIS, GO SEE IT!)

Ok look here Mr. Reviewer. Changes have to be made in the movie to make it more 'realistic'. I know this is a movie, it has robots, blah blah blah but it has to be as 'believable' as possible ok... For example, Megatron cannot be a gun like in the cartoon. If he was, can you imagine taking orders from a 6 inch thingy with a mind of its own? (Ladies, please don't do the 'Men think with their other head' joke ok). If Megatron was a gun in the movie, if he said jump, I'm pretty sure Starscream would have told him to fuck off... 'Go jump yourself BIATCH!'. Thats why in the movie he is some futuristic plane / x-wing fighter / hot shit flying thingy. So if he tells Starscream to jump, I'm sure he would have said 'Sure boss, how high? Want me to sing too? Which song's your favourite? Wow! You look cool in that outfit!.. (all that carry balls shit la)'

Optimus can't possibly have his trailer following him around ok. It's just stupid. Imagine when he transforms into a robot and that trailer disappears.. then you continuously hear the 'toot toot toot' sound of the reverse sensor. fucking stupid isn't it...

And for a lack of a plot... World domination (check). Good vs. evil (check). Cool cars (check).

Hot chick (check check check check check. Damn you Brian Austin Greene Piece of Shit).

Violence (check). What more you need? Want a plot? Go watch 'the Fountain' (Muahhahahaha!) Want entertainment? TRANSFORM AND ROLL OUT!

What I Really Want to See in Harry Potter Book 7

So, today, Harry Potter the magic-loving geek has his last book out. And the big issues are the twists and turns to expect in the book. Here's a list of the things that I would REALLY prefer to see..

1. Hermione decides to take up Harry's advice and to exercise more, starting with 'bedroom quidditch'



2. Neville Longbottom realises he is not the most pathetic looking person in the world when he meets his muggle half-brothers, Gary and Phil.

3. Cho Chang improves inter-racial relations by agreeing to a three player 'bedroom quidditch' game with Harry and Hermione.

4. Draco Malfoy realises his hatred for Harry stems from his jealousy of his friendship with Ron Weasley. He then changes his name to Draco Malfag and now has a tattoo of 'Ronny Weasley Forever' on his ass, next to the 'This Way In' tattoo.

5. Harry does a new magic trick on Hermione, 'Expecto Patro-clothes'! Like 'Expecto Patronum' which wards off evil spirits, this new spells wards off evil clothing, like bras and panties.

6. He who shall not be named is in actual fact Lex Steele and gives Harry a beating with his one foot wand.

7. Harry hides using his invisible cloak and learns a new spell which Minerva McGonagall uses on Dumbledore to spice things up, 'Enormicus Erecto'!

8. Using this new spell on himself, he then retaliates and kills He who shall not be named with his now ten foot wand.

Nice...

Ruud Van Nistelrooy

Look, I have heard that Van 'The Man' used to have difficulties with his team mates, sometimes his bosses... but hey... I think its probably due to the fact that he is misunderstood. I think if people spend some extra time to understand him, he would be a fantastic asset to a club...

He is a fantastic finisher, a world class poacher, an olympic diver...


He works hard...





He scores goals....



He celebrates with his team mates...





Time and time again...





He just can't stop 'scoring' can he... Bad boy Vidic... BAD BAD BOY!

Not Funny?????

Tiew man. Reality bites. And Sucks.

I just asked a friend 'Eh, do u think im funny?'.. So naturally being the fucking funny guy that I am (or think I am), I expected the answer to be routine and along the lines of 'Sure-lah, ur one of the funniest guys i know!'... (ok, note that this is a nice girl so she probably won't say something mean...)

So her answer was... (drum roll...) 'um... err... dunno la...' HER EXACT ANSWER, CUT AND PASTED FROM YAHOO MESSENGER! Fuck la. How like that. I really thought I was funny. Maybe my humor only works when its directed at people.

I mean, what sort of humor is expected of me? I'm not the sort of guy who talks about the weather, stock market etc... I'm the sort of guy who laughs at the ridiculous shirt ur wearing, how the pink brings out the colour of the panties ur probably wearing... I wont talk about culture... You want culture? I got it riiighttt HERE!

So anyway, maybe people want me to do the ditsy 'chow ah beng' role where I make lame comments at everything and maybe I'll get some hit rate of 30% or some shit or just be me, be vulgar and crude and have a hit rate of 80% (the only fucker not laughing is the one I'll be laughing AT!) But then again, maybe that's why majority of people I know hate my fucking guts!
Sigh. Well, maybe now I'll just do my own thing and continue to laugh at people and live in my own silly world where everything and everyone else is a joke. Just like the Malaysian Football Team.